When I was young roughness swallowed me whole
A young girl gulping a older man’s grief
There was no time for me to be brittle
As a poisonous presence followed me
Trying to build me to be cruel
With no comfort no warmth
You embedded a sickening ache in what was made to be a home
Speaking words that echoed with pain
You thought you showed me that I was useless
Teaching me you are not to be depended upon
Transferring your long lived coldness to whoever it can reach
The greatest tragedy a child could face
Always holding your heart more tenderly than you could ever hold mine
Building a burnt child always chasing the fire
As I clean up the vile mess you’ve made
My eyes can see evil from any distance
The fear of who I will grow up to be is rooted from you
A knowingness that i don’t deserve this faith
A awareness that this past will always haunt me
How much of my father am I destined to become?
Imagining myself in that place I am barely there
A wandering heart that has no real place to love
Extraordinary loveliness stings
Salt on a open wound
Your comfort has never warmed me
Your hand will never touch me in a kind way
How does one separate themselves from the brutal love they’ve endured?
Longing for a place where I can put down these years i’ve lived
A place where my memories can rest without sound
A place where the long lived weight will come to a ease
My cry’s never reached you
My wails were not enough to change you
My screams were not vigorous enough for you to hear
Piece by piece my faithful heart will spoil
Filled with your greediness
Your aggression will always live inside me
Transferred from your lost soul
A true tragedy
Learning from unwelcomed violence
Having to dig out the deep gentleness I know I carry
My love was never enough as you could never overcome the hurt that has been planted in you
I felt alone in this home that was supposed to be good
Love isn’t supposed to be violent
Your words set a internal fear
I have nowhere safe to place my love
With a man that will always view me as small
Limiting any power I could possibly hold
You cling onto to me as a attempt to control my destiny
This violence is eating my goodness alive
It seems your anger has no way to dilute itself
Though I ran far from that haunting place it has never ran from me
You’ll never become a man that can father me
Your nurturing is full of roughness
Your loving has never been pure
Yet there is still this terrible desire to be loved by you
That household is nothing but a sickening reminder of unfulfilled expectations
Seeing you is nothing but a reminder of your own burdens that you couldn’t let go
I hope when you see me you are filled with guilt
A shaming guilt that you could never be a father to me
It’s hard to admit that I do miss you
Only the person I thought you were
Homesick for a place that consumed me whole
-R.L
WILDsound Writing Festival 