What does it feel to dream,
What does it feel like to know that it’s not yours anymore?
This has become a habit now,
This is second nature,
It began with me just roaming my room,
It began with me breathless,
It began and now it has ended.
The first time I was scared to even move,
I had risen from my bed restless,
I had risen from my bed exhausted,
I couldn’t sleep!
I flung my covers and went to the door,
I reached for the doorknob,
I was transparent,
I stumbled through the room bewildered, shaken,
A cold sweat on my brow and primal fear,
I was outside of my body.
The second time,
I had expected it,
The third time I didn’t give it a second glance,
And the fourth time I was looking over my body,
My sleeping breath misting in the cold midnight air,
My chest rose and fell to the rhythm of my breathing,
What an intimate feeling.
The….56th time,
I had gained the courage to walk my street,
It was midnight,
And the edges of my vision caught flickering movement,
A swift shadow,
A slimy noise,
Always out of eyeshot,
Out of reach,
Something leaks in the shadows.
The…..74th time,
I was in a car travelling towards an unknown destination,
With my lover,
A shadow in his passenger seat,
The radio was fun to play with,
I touched his brow and my hand passed through him,
I could only look at him.
The 85th time,
I stayed still as a crawling creature ventured near,
I was frozen in fear and curiosity,
The creature was grey, slimy, snakelike,
Was she lonely too?
I let it slither up my leg onto my chest,
It winded through my arms and set myself upon my shoulders.
The 123rd time,
I wandered through the forest,
Breaking my self-made rules of dreaming,
I broke into the den of the creatures that terrified me,
They broke my mind,
They broke my soul,
And I fell in love,
Time has lost all appeal to me,
My physical body has lost all interest.
The 197th time,
My dream goes on for a long time,
I stay in my state of transparency for however long it pleases me,
I… have…. Forgotten to go back to my body,
Its been days now,
I wonder what it feels like,
To let the sun warm my skin,
I guess I have had enough,
I guess I will work into my body again,
I guess I shall wake up to the real world,
I will return.
For the 270th time,
I managed to break a pot in the living room,
I broke another rule,
I manipulated what held pleasure for me,
I changed the hands of the clock,
I broke the liquor cabinet,
I broke the chandelier,
I broke the light bulbs,
I broke my will,
I WANNA GET OUT.
The 390th time,
Gods,
I have had enough,
Every time I wake up I feel as if the world is just a bit colder,
I wake up as if the world is greyer,
I wake up as if the world is scarier,
I have lived as such now,
But something is changing,
I can feel it,
I can no longer feel the wind on my body.
The….,
I have forgotten,
I do not know, decades have passed,
And the memory of my first time eludes me,
I have witnessed deals in the dark,
I have been in buildings closed,
And lived amongst the worriless.
The time of irrelevance,
Has it been a hundred years?
A hundred seconds,
Or a hundred months,
Time is insubstantial,
I had woken up once,
After I had slept,
I had woken up once from my sleep,
I had woken up once in my dreams,
And I dare not sleep again,
Or have I already slept?
My skin has turned the colour of ash,
My hair has been less substantial,
My world is as light as a feature,
And the clouds in the grasp of my hand,
I have desired to return to my body,
But I am no longer real,
I have ceased.
{my instagram page is : @poetry.out.of.balance}
WILDsound Writing Festival 